Tough Love
“I give up! Some people are so hard to love!” my heart screamed. As tears rolled down my cheek, the ache in my heart turned to anger. Deeply wounded from the careless words hurled at me from another, I tossed the series of unfortunate events over in my mind and concluded that some people are just unlovable. With burning eyes and a broken heart, I decided life would be easier if I just stopped trying so hard to love the difficult people in my life.
Still, there wasn’t time to sulk properly, for the responsibilities of a busy mom simply don’t wait for heartbreak. My son had a Taekwando class scheduled and we had to leave in a few minutes. Momentarily setting aside my pain, I pulled myself together and drove Jack to his Taekwando school.
Having promised my son that I would stay and watch, I sat down and waited for Jack’s class to begin. Meanwhile, a lower belt class was just finishing up and their faces reflected discouragement. Looking at their expressions, I could feel their frustration and it was a feeling close to my heart as well.
In that moment, the lead instructor called the group to “take a knee” as he offered validation and encouragement. “I see your faces. You are right. This IS hard,” he said frankly. “Earning a black belt IS hard. It is suppose to be hard. Most things worthwhile in life ARE hard,” he continued wisely. “But, you have a patient teacher and I am here to help you. Just don’t give up.”
Though the teacher was not aware of the way God was speaking through him, I knew God was talking directly into my troubled heart. All at once, I didn’t hurt so much. The words, filled with wisdom and truth, acted as a healing balm to my troubled spirit. God had seen it all and he understood my pain. Loving IS hard.
Then, a scripture crept quietly into my mind and has challenged me ever since. For God has called his children to love the unlovable.
“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:40-48 NLT.
Our ability to love has little to do with our own abilities. For love is not a feeling, but an act of worship. The sad truth is that some people are indeed unlovable. Love them anyway!
Snow White
Stepping out into glowing sky and walking through the new fallen snow, my son Jack‘s eyes filled with wonder. In an unprecedented event, over twelve inches of snow now covered our small community in North Texas. Unspoiled and pristine, the small drifts seemed to light up the sky as darkness loosened its grasp on our surroundings. Being a native Texan, Jack was amazed by this novelty, for this was a sight he had never before seen in his 12 years.
Snowflakes were still falling gently on our heads as we walked down our meandering street. With the smoky smell of burning wood from nearby homes filling the air, we trudged on under the stillness of the evening sky while the snow crunched under our feet and branches hung heavy with snow. And while we walked together through this winter wonderland, Jack began to share pieces of his day.
After a short while, he began to speak from his heart. He explained his struggle with a boy at his school with whom he has consistently quarreled this past year. Frustrated by yet another confrontation, Jack painfully confessed, “Mom, no matter what I do, I always get a funny feeling in my stomach whenever I am around him. I feel angry when I see him and I just don’t know how to forgive him for all the rotten things he has done to me.” Bitterness was taking root in my young son’s innocent spirit and unforgiveness had a stronghold on his heart. Sympathetically, I took in his words and validated his feelings, withholding judgment so my son would continue to share freely.
In the crisp winter air, I shivered and began to pray silently for wisdom while we quietly walked in the winter glow. As we trudged through the snow covered sidewalk, it occurred to me that God was ministering to Jack with the snow. Gently, I directed his attention to the beauty and purity all around us. And as we strolled in the wonderland in our midst, I reminded Jack that forgiveness was modeled and won at Calvary. Let us not forget that Jesus was beaten. Humiliated. Betrayed. Condemned to death on a cross. Certainly, our Savior had every right to look upon his accusers with contempt. But Jesus, being fully man and fully God, conquered sin and chose forgiveness. Remaining on the cross by choice, Jesus began to plead, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34. (NIV)
Inheriting the sinful condition of man, we too should be met with God’s judgment. Still, Jesus came to take our punishment and offer mercy in its place, for “everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.” Acts 10:43. (NIV) In a word, we are forgiven. But there is more. For it is written, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32. (NIV) As children of God, fully reconciled by Christ, we are called to freely forgive.
At times, forgiveness can seem like impossibility. Truly, we all have wounds that deeply pierce our hearts. Memories of the hurts of yesterday can cause bitterness to swell within us. Filled with indignation, we often cannot offer the forgiveness our LORD desires. Our “need” to even the score and avenge our pain causes forgiveness to bitterly elude us. In our own strength, we cannot find the will to forgive.
And yet, we have a sympathetic Savior who completely understands our human condition and continuously intercedes on our behalf. And as we come to the end of ourselves, we must choose to humbly forgive our transgressors, trusting God to deal with our circumstances. When we rely on His power, we are enabled to confront pain and lay our unforgiveness at Jesus’ feet, joyfully proclaiming, “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” Psalm 57:17. (NIV) Like the quiet of a snow-filled evening, our spirit is renewed and we find peace in forgiveness. Let us model Christ and allow Him to make us white as snow.
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 14
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
Today’s Valentine’s Day… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Are you a helpmeet?
The Bible says, “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18. (NIV) Have you been a helper suitable to your husband or have you been like the foolish woman and torn apart your home and marriage with your own hands?
Jesus said, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13. (NLT) We could say it this way, “There is no greater love than for a wife to die to herself daily in order to serve her husband as well as Christ with a pure heart.” It is our selfish desires our yearning to be #1 that causes us to say and do things that destroy rather than uplift. In the book, The Excellent Wife, by Martha Peace she says:
Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband
1. Ask your husband, “What are your goals for the week?”
2. Ask your husband, “How can I help you accomplish these goals?”
3. Ask your husband, “Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?”
4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and cooking. As you fulfill your God-given responsibilities, your husband is then free to do his work.
5. Save some of your energy every day for him.
6. Put him FIRST over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies’ Bible studies, hobbies, etc.
7. Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary.
8. Talk about him in a positive light to and around others. Do NOT slander him at all, even if what you are saying is true.
9. Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with projects, pray for him and make good suggestions. Give him freedom to not use your suggestion, and do not be offended when he does not follow it.
10. Consider his work (job, hobbies, goals, work for the Lord) as more important than your own.
11. think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are to get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording phone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget.
12. Consider the things that you are involved in. How do they glorify your husband? Ask his guidance.
13. Be warm and gracious to his family and friends. Make your commitment to him obvious.
14. Do and say things to him that build him up instead of tear him down.
15. Dress and apply your make-up in an attractive manner that is pleasing to YOUR husband.
16. When your husband sins, reprove him gently and privately, always giving him hope and pointing him to the Lord.
17. Encuorage him to use his spiritual gifts in ministry.
Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.
It wouldn’t hurt for you and I to post these ideas on a card in our Bible or in our Prayer and Devotion basket… or even on the refrigerator door! Let’s make this year the best year ever when it comes to loving our husbands!
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 13
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
You love your husband when you love your kids.
Are you tired and anxious, annoyed and irritated on a regular basis with your kids? Do you find yourself being short or yelling at them… all day long? Do you long for time away from your family?
I want to encourage you to take a step and back and think about your children. Really think about them. Not as little monsters who came into this world to ruin your life, but as precious gifts from God.
Nothing will teach us more about patience than motherhood. God has a plan for you and for each of your children. It is up to you and only you whether this season of motherhood brings you joy and peace and patience.
Delight in your children. Spend time with them – just being with them, talking to them, getting to know them. If you are bothered every time your child interrupts your activities or wants your attention, the irritation does not come from God but from the one who seeks to destroy. Stop what you are doing and really pay attention to your children – before it is too late! They grow up so fast and the moments you have right now will be gone forever ten minutes from now.
It’s okay to have quiet time or “me time” every now and then, but during this season of your life, God has given you the awesome responsibility of raising your children for His kingdom. The best way you can do that is to show your children by your example what it means to live for Him and then spend quality time every day training them, teaching them His ways.
Finally, show your children what a wonderful father they have. Instead of rolling your eyes when he makes a request or snapping back at him when he asks a question, love him and teach your children to love him. Make daddy the hero of your home. Don’t waste this time that God has given you. Life is too short to not enjoy the blessings around us.
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 12
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
What do you cook for your husband?
- Do you like to cook?
- Day in and day out, do you provide nutritious, home cooked, meals?
- Do you go out of your way to prepare food your husband will enjoy?
I am at home typically all day everyday. Since we homeschool, everyone (aside from my husband) is home for every meal. Rarely will we ever eat out. So, I cook a lot. I like to make a wide variety of foods from scratch including ethnic foods. My husband always “brags” about what a good cook I am to others. Having a big family means I have to cook a lot of food everyday.
I have also, over the years tried to make my cooking healthier which often means less “comfort foods.” I realized one day a few years ago that my husband just isn’t as happy if all I cook is “light” salads, Mediterranean style meals, etc. He really feels taken care of and loved if I cook his favorite comfort foods. So, I try to make his favorite foods several times a week. Maybe your husband is the opposite and really wants to eat only low-fat or vegan dishes. Whatever it is that makes your husband feel loved when he sits down to dinner should be made a priority in your meal planning.
Even if you think your husband should eat more vegetables, don’t dismiss his favorite meals! Instead, try to find ways to cut out the fat and add more nutrients. You could even try some recipes from the book Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld and learn how to disguise veggies in your recipes.
I have met a lot of women over the years who claim to be terrible cooks. Maybe you are one of them. If you burn everything you bake and can’t seem to get it right, I want to encourage you to get a basic cookbook and choose a new recipe several times a week to try. Follow the instructions carefully and then pay attention! Burned food only happens when we get distracted! Practice makes perfect. Do it for your husband and for your children. Food creates memories that will be carried in the hearts of your family for a lifetime. It is so important!
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 11
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Men are basically easy to please. Feed them good food, keep the house clean, and give them plenty of…
Okay, so husband’s aren’t usually too hard to keep happy if they are getting the big three at home from their wife. Good food, a clean house, and a wife who doesn’t withhold sex. Today, I want to focus a little bit on the sex issue because I figure you might want to have a few days to think about how you are going to drive him wild on Sunday night.
First, let’s talk about the bedroom. It should be neat, tidy, and fresh smelling. In other words, your bedroom should not be full of clutter, laundry, dust, etc. and the bed linens should smell good. So, if your bedroom is looking a little less than it’s best, go ahead and give it a good once over today and tomorrow.
If you visit Real Relationships, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot have a newsletter you can sign up for and when you sign up you get a little e-booklet called 7 Secrets. #2 deals with sex. Their secret for a happy married life full of great sex for women is this: seduce your husband wildly at least once a week. He’ll be a happy man and far less likely to be tempted by women he meets on a daily basis when he is away from home.
Go the extra mile this weekend. Light some candles. Run him a bath (maybe even join him?), wear something sexy. Be his fantasy this weekend…. and then try to make it a weekly occurrence.
“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:5
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 10
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Do you expect your husband to be perfect?
You probably thought your husband was pretty near perfect when you met, maybe even in the first days and weeks of your marriage. And then real life happened and he disappointed you. Now, you can’t understand why your husband doesn’t know what you want when you want it, he isn’t nearly as thoughtful as he should be, he makes a mess like a child and doesn’t clean up, he doesn’t watch the kids the way you would, he doesn’t see the need for romance, etc.
Now, when he disappoints you, you feel resentment toward him, maybe even indifferent and you let him know just how unhappy you are with his thoughtless behavior. You want him to provide you with every want, every need, every desire and be your perfect companion.
Unfortunately, you married a mortal man, a sinful human being.
Only Jesus Christ can fill all the desires of your heart. If you are looking to your husband to complete you in every way possible, you will always be disappointed. He is not perfect, nor will he ever be until you are together in heaven.
Christ came to this earth and lived here among a sinful race. He died an excruciating death for you… and for your husband. Neither one of you deserve the grace of God, but it is a gift you will receive if you only reach out and take it.
Sin is such a wicked, putrefying thing in the sight of God. And yet, He loved us enough to show us grace even though we will never deserve it as long as we are living in this sinful world. Grace is not something we deserve it is a gift.
Perhaps today you can stop seeing all of the shortcomings in your husband and start seeing him the way God sees him – as a precious child of the King. Someone who deserves love at all costs. Someone who deserves forgiveness – not because he is so great, but because God was loving enough to forgive you. Love him, because in the end, what else really matters?
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 9
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Do you manipulate your husband?
I was listening to Focus on the Family on the radio this morning. The guest speaker mentioned something I wanted to share. She talked about how, often, women will manipulate their husbands to get their way. There are hundreds of ways to manipulate your husband.
- You could pout and give the silent treatment.
- You could refuse to be physically intimate.
- You could work behind the scenes to get your way.
- You could make your husband feel inferior or inept at making decisions.
- You could get your kids to ask for something you really want.
Have you ever done any of these things… or maybe manipulated your husband in other ways? When wives manipulate their husbands into getting their way, it can cause hurt and resentment on his part. He may no longer trust you. He may feel that no matter what decisions he makes you are never happy. He may feel betrayed and angry. He may feel like he cannot trust you with his feeling, his thoughts, his dreams.
If you find yourself wanting your way no matter the cost, pray about! Ask God to give you a submissive heart and to help you trust your husband as the head of your household. Instead of manipulating the situation, ask God to give your husband wisdom to make the right choices. Your marriage will be stronger for it.
The Heart of Her Husband: Day 8
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Proverbs 31:11
With Valentine’s Day approaching in just a few days… I thought it would be fun to focus on different aspects of the marriage relationship or rather, how you and I can be better wives! Proverbs 31 tells us that the heart of the virtuous woman’s husband could safely trust in her. Does your husband trust you or does his hear lie in fear of what is coming?
You can read the rest of this series here.
Express your love… with love notes.
I don’t know about you, but when my husband and I were dating all those years ago, the moments we were forced to spend apart were agonizing. We wanted to be together forever… all the time. So, when we did have to be apart, we wrote love letters to one another. Sweet, beautiful words of love. Those letter from our years before marriage are gathered together in a box in my husband’s office as a reminder of our love.
Well, it never hurts to express your love in written form – even if you’ve been married for years! In fact, writing love letters to your spouse is one way you can really tell your husband how much he means to you. Be open and honest, but leave out any negatives that may be present in your mind. This is a time to express love words in flowery prose. If you need to, pretend you’re back in time and remember those delicious feelings you had for your guy way back when. Young love is so sweet! It never hurts to pump up your husband’s ego – he will appreciate the praise!
“My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.” Song of Solomon 2:16
Try leaving love notes for the next 7 days around the house, in his lunch, on the bathroom mirror (in lipstick, of course), in his car, etc. He’ll enjoy the sentiment.
When will my turn come?
A single woman’s perpetual question.
Last night I was having a conversation with Kenny, an old classmate of mine. He told me about a song which encourages women to be independent from men. Kenny thought the lyrics to this song were words all women needed to live by. In the song the artist said there was nothing better than a woman that wants him but doesn’t need him.
I asked a question that challenged Kenny’s way of thinking. I told him, independence was the easy part. However, when a a woman is so used to doing things for herself, she doesn’t know how to allow her husband to be the leader. As women we’ve all been taught to stand on our own, but not too many of us have been taught when to step back and let the man be the man.
After we finished our conversation, I shut off the computer popped in a DVD, and nestled into my couch. I remained there for the rest of the night until retiring to bed. I took a hard look at myself. My conversation with Kenny made me wonder, “Why am I still single”. Being submissive is not something I oppose. I am loving, supportive, active, and a woman of my word, so why am I still alone?
The answer hit me before I could finish the thought. God wants me to himself right now. He wants me to fall in love with Him and give Him every part of me before He releases me to a husband. Like most single women, I desire to be married to the man that God has for me. Every time I see a baby, my heart melts. Every time I hear of a couple being married I want to know how they met, how they knew it was meant to be, and everything else that went along with their love story. Psalm 37:3-5 says,
Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
It’s because of this I know that God knows my desires and he’ll grant them as long as I continue to live a holy life and dwell in Him. I have to first submit and give my all to Him before He will give me the family I long for. My mother and father have been married for 3o+ years and they were both awesome parents. They taught me that marriage is a commitment and hard work. Although she never complained about it, I knew there were times that my mom had to sacrifice for her husband and children. She couldn’t just focus on herself at that point in her life. We all depended on her.
As a single person no one depends on me. God wants my time so that I can focus on Him before becoming distracted with the joys of being a wife, mother, chef, nose wiper, tear dryer, and all around juggler. It is a joy to be content with where God has me right now. My time will come.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am not saddened by the lack of a physical companion. I will not go around popping balloons on the desks of other involved individuals. I vow not to sob every time a bouquet of flowers is walked right past me and delivered to someone else. Because I know that when I go home, I can lay out anywhere in my house and praise and thank God for being the most awesome companion ever. Instead of whining over one day of being treated special, I can thank Him for giving me life every day. I can thank Him for the love He shows me all the time. I will thank Him for comforting me at night. Then I will thank Him for not having to wash the dishes, clothes, or cook if I’m just too tired to do so. Single life isn’t that bad I guess and God is good.
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