Q & A: Disagreement with Husband
Q: I think this [The Heart of Her Husband] series is nice and very encouraging. However, I am a working wife who works 10 hours a day and usually I work until midnight or later. my husband works a 8-5 job and is home in the evenings. We constantly disagree about the fact that he expects the house to be emaculate and dinner cooked when he gets home. however I have explained to him that yes it is my job to make sure that these things are done, but he must realize that I am not home in the evenings to cook dinner and he is..so my solution would be for him to prep dinner. I told him that if wants these things done in a timely manner that he needs to make it possible for me to stay home and be the homemaker. Which I have no problem doing. I pay all of my own bills and buys all of the groceries so I must work outside of the home. I am bringing home the bacon, least he could do is fry it up in a pan..what do you think?
- Cynthia
A: Cynthia, I can sympathize with your issue. I applaud your efforts! Obviously if you are working outside of the home during the it would be nice if he could pitch in and help with the household chores and cooking. If he is disagreeable, perhaps you could start using the crockpot on the days you work? One of my favorite sites for crockpot recipes is: http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/
As far as homemaking – keeping the house clean – make up a strict schedule for your basic chores, a rotating schedule for cleaning and make sure to do a load of laundry every day. Also, try to do those chores I suggested for the morning routine either each morning when you wake up or before you go to bed. Stick to a schedule and at least you’ll be somewhat on top of things.
In life there aren’t always easy answers, but I believe that if you do your best to honor your husband, God will bless you more than you can every imagine. God knows your best effort. Trust him to provide what you need and don’t forget to really spend time everyday praying for your husband (not that he’ll change so much as he’ll become the man God would have him to be and that you’ll become the woman he wants you to be. God bless you!
|
About the Author: |
PDF 
Follow A Virtuous Woman on Twitter
: Download the Spring 2010 Issue :
While I don’t know all the details of your situation, Cynthia, I can certainly give advice to help you.
One is that of a lifestyle choice. My husband and I intentionally live off of one half of his income, freeing up the other half for something else (savings, paying a debt, helping others, etc). This is a conscious choice for us. This has allowed us to live free of me needing to work. We don’t do a lot of things that other people do, but we don’t have many bills and enjoy our lives. We grow most of our own food, live frugally and sensibly, don’t go out to eat a lot; but there’s a lot of freedom in that. And we learn how to do a lot of things for ourselves (I sew, cook, make a home). And if for some reason my husband is unable to work, we are not under pressure (because we have savings).
Here is the other point: woman are specifically better at making a home and knowing how to do it than men.
Tit 2:2 That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.
Tit 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
Tit 2:4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
Tit 2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Tit 2:6 Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.
Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Eph 5:27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
I understand that your situation is hard for you, but I encourage you to adjust your lifestyle to make it easier on yourselves.
Bonnie, very good points!
Hi Cynthia,
I also work outside the home 50 plus hours a week as well as travel once or twice a month. My solution won’t solve all your concerns however it certainly will help make your hubby a well fed man without his having to actually cook. I use my freezer and do a simple form of bulk cooking to provide meals that my husband can either pop in the oven or if already cooked, he can microwave to warm up. We just thaw them overnight in the fridge. I agree with Melissa that the crockpot can be a great option, too. Have available some fresh breads and rolls that you make on the week-end or whenever your time off is.
I then make sure on the week-ends I put together extra special “fresh” meals the two of us can share together. Hope this helps.
Holly
Hallo Cynthia, I agree with Holly (and Melissa’s suggestions). Also, I think that you should pray for your husband to make sure that God gives him WISDOM!!
Also, on a more practical level, yes, do the schedules on Melissa’s page and relax – if it isn’t done, it isn’t done.
Don’t waste your energy arguing with your husband!!!! (Use it by making the house nice – I mean NICE – for yourself too – chuck out anything that isn’t either useful or beautiful and, one tip I like, do a 15 minute clean-up every day – fluff up the cushions, buy some flowers, make sure the bathroom and kitchen are clean at least!!
Keep at it and may I suggest that you ASK your husband to do something too (instead of “I’m earning the bacon etc.???”
Cynthia
I can understand how you feel. I remember a time in my own marriage that I had to work, I was a manager and had to work long hours. I know it was most of the time more than 10. I paid for the food the small bills such as utilities. My childs school lunch and at this time we were also growing in church more than we ever had. I still had to work longer hours. My child was thirteen and we were in an overseas assignment. My daughter was allowed to work. At the time aquired a job near me so that she was not home alone long hours. Paying for her school cloths and tithing. I remember buying my husband a new Gold wedding band . However, some how our house was cleaner than you would have believed. Then all of a sudden I had to have surgery and it was so hard for me to go back to work. For a very long time. 12 years after that I had another surgery. My family has learn to do things for each other and I have learn to let go and let God. When I stayed home we did not have many things as before. I knew the Bible teaches us there is a time to heal. This had to be my time to heal and be stronger. God will help you stay close to him. Stay obediant. God Bless you as one pastor use to say Let go and Let God
Hi Cynthia,
Since I read your post over a week ago I have been feeling very troubled for you and compelled to reply. Troubled not because your husband isnt helping around the house and to cook meals, but troubled because of the attitude that you have towards your husband. To be blunt with you, 1# it is the womans role to be homemaker (as per God’s Word), so even if you are working, that does not excuse your responsibilities around the home (God’s word never changes), 2# if you working long hours is getting in the way of your role at home (which should come before working outside the home), then i suggest you either cut back the hours, or apply for another job. If you working many hours is unpleasing to your husband and it is getting in the way of you marriage, and causing you to argue, its not worth it – however it is worth getting rid of the stumbling block between you, lest you both end up having a bitter heart against one another. As married Christian women, our job is to serve God – He has placed us under our husbands authority, and it our job to be submissive and obedient to him – otherwise we are disobeying God. The issue in your marriage is not that your husband is not helping, but that you are not content with your role – you are fighting between work (your own desires) and housework (God’s role for you) – it is an inner struggle between the flesh and the Spirit. You cannot control what your husband does, however If you choose to let go of those things in your life and marriage that are not in your control (your hubby not helping) and leave them solely up to God to deal with, God will transform your attitude, your heart and your marriage in ways that you could not fathom. Imagine having a glorious marriage where you as the wife are content and cheerful about doing the things that are pleasing to your husband (and in obedience to God), not murmuring and complaining, and in return winning your husbands love and favour towards you because you have chosen to not let the ‘little things’ get in the way of your marriage and to not nag him. It is possible, but only if you give this inner struggle over to God and plead with Him to help make you the Godly wife that He has intended for you to be.
I suggest 2 things for you: 1, perhaps try talking to your husband about it and see if there is some sort of arrangement that you can come to (the ladies who replied to this post before me have some great suggestions you could try using), and 2. if the way that you feel loved and appreciated by your husband is for him to help you in your job (cooking, cleaning etc) and he does not do those things, it is not up to you to condemn and to pass judgement on him, it is God’s responsibility to deal with him – God has told your husband that his job is to love his wife, if your husband does not show love towards you – the issue is between your husband and God, not your husband and you. Just the same as if you are disobedient to your husband and not submitting your desires in life under him, then the issue is your disobedience to God.
I have been praying for you and your marriage and will continue to pray that God gives you the strength to give Him your troubles (Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you 1 Pet 5:7) and that He will supply the grace you need to submit to your husband.
Bonnie Could I share this information on facebook with some of my relatives that are suddenly getting facebookpages and we are all christians. There woul dnot be anyone who would sell it or copy it. If so let me know or if not I won’t. I will make a post to it not to copy and reprint that it belongs to Avirtuouswoman.org maybe some of them will join. i have asked them.
Cora,
You are free to use that in any way that is helpful. It is written, “freely you have been given, freely give”. It can’t hurt to encourage people to look at the site, but it’s not about copyright and ownership—-copy and distribute as much as you want freely. All wisdom belongs to HIM. Hopefully it helps–it has helped us GREATLY : )
on a side note, I too am on facebook…can I find you on there? (i’m not good at finding people on facebook–how do you do it?)
Bonnie yes have same name as now and I am connected to my own bio family I have not connected to anyone I do not know on my friends list because I have a fear of strangers. It is wise to protect ones own children. I do noy try to attach myself outside of the region I grew up in because our children have cnnections to school pages and teachers are posted to then and us and you understand the list goes on. You can find me but outside of avirtuouswoman I am not committed to connecting to strangers.
Bonnie
I guess I did not understand you and I am so sorry. I appreciate you and all the work you did in looking up these scriptures. I am a little tired today. I am not sure how we get to the Facebook page for avirtuouswoman I can’t find it
I am not part of it, however if I find it I will attach it to you someway . Thank You
Cora, it’s ok—I understand if you use facebook for neighbors and family only. That’s fine. I pray the Scriptures and this website helps you. : )
shalom